My mother. God rest her soul. I can hear her in the back of my head screaming, “everyone shut up! I’m on the damn phone.” I always thought she was being so mean because clearly my question about where she hid the cookies or where my favorite shirt was or why I couldn’t go out that weekend and who was she talking to – clearly trumped all.
It wasn’t until I had kids of my own that I truly understood what a pain in the ass my siblings and I truly were. Hell, I would’ve yelled at me too. I swear my five-year old has a sixth sense about when a call is about to come in or when she knows someone is about to answer my call because she chooses this time to ask or demand the following;
All of my attention – I appreciate that the lady who works for the bank finds it adorable that my children keep butting into our conversation and now seems to think it is an excuse to have a conversation about her kids, but I really just want to speed this up and get off the phone because realistically, I didn’t want to have to call in the first place.
Entertain her sister – don’t get me wrong, I am ALL for this – but not when it involves SCREAMING at the loudest decibel possible. Seriously Hailie, pull it together.
Find a reason to cry – Remember when I told you Hailie was dramatic? I wasn’t lying. She will cry for what feels like days, to the point where people probably think I beat the crap out of her or told her I was going to kill her in her sleep. She becomes so uncontrollable it is not even worth trying to finish the conversation at this point.
Find a reason to make her sister cry – If she can’t find a reason to make herself cry, she can definitely find a way to make Aubree cry. She will take her toys away, yell at her, poke her, scare her, and when she starts crying, Hailie looks at me like “what? I would never do such a thing.”
Break something – The good old “oops” – The “mom it wasn’t me even though I am the only one here and only one capable of even doing something this absurd” excuse
Try to get something – This is the one time she needs a glass of milk when the gallon was JUST opened or she wants a juice box and there is only two left and they are stuck in the plastic or really wants a box of mac and cheese RIGHT NOW and will throw a fit until it starts happening.
Join the conversation – What? You weren’t speaking to me? You mean I should stop answering all these questions in your ear? Wow, I must be really rude right now? Should I lower my voice while I am at it? Seriously? Wow, I am so rude! I don’t even care.
Seriously, if you want to talk to me, text me or catch me on the morning or evening commute. Otherwise, it’s really not worth your time. Skype or Facetime isn’t even worth it, unless you intend to watch me get spit up on and watch Hailie’s eyeball while she screams at you because she isn’t really getting the hang of the whole thing either.
…The things we take for granted before we become parents