Today was a MAGICAL day.  I went to Target – WITHOUT MY KIDS AND WITH NO TIME LIMIT.  All I needed was diapers and wipes but the possibilities were endless.  I was ecstatic, probably too excited as I practically skipped into Target with a huge smile on my face probably looking something like this

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Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my girls, but I love them a lot more when I don’t have to take them to the store with me or do errands.  My one year old thinks she’s on an episode of Daredevil with the moves she uses to try to get out of the buckle and flip out of the cart and my six-year-old seems to think that pointing out every single thing in the store and then annoying the crap out of her sister is the way to go.

However, today went something like this;

Yessssss.  There is a Starbucks here.  I definitely should grab some caffeine to keep me fueled for my trip.  No line?  It’s meant to be.  I better get a cart this could take a while.  Oh yes the dollar(ish) bins!  I HAVE to get these.  After all Halloween and Fall are right around the corner so there is no better time than now to grab a few things.  Oh man, this is so cool.  What is it though?  Could I used it?  Do I care? Nope.  Puts it in cart.  Heads over to the clothes.  Oh man this jacket is amazing – fall weather is right around the corner so this is totally practical.  Oooooo $50.  The other one I looked at was $80 so this is a total bargain right?  Hmmmm, lets put it in the cart and think about it.  Nice, jeans are on sale – oh wait I have 20 pairs, I really don’t need another pair of jeans.  Or do I?  (Talks myself down, I don’t need the jeans).  Proceeds to the shoe section – Sweet jesus look at those boots!  You can never have too many boots right, RIGHT.  Oh man they don’t have them in my size.   Is there anything else I can get to make myself feel better?  Hmmm these sandals are great – BUT ITS ALMOST FALL.  (Talks self down again, no sandals).  Next stop: Kids/Baby clothes.  Awwww everything is so cute.  Awwww I wish Aubree was still little.  Awww do I know anyone that’s having a baby or just had one?  I feel like I have to get this.  Awww I miss babies.  (Talk’s ovaries down, no more kids).  With the colder nights coming up I should definitely grab some PJs.  Ummm fleece – please target, not yet.  ***extremely long pause and awkward stare as people walk by*** What did I come here for?  AH!  Diapers and wipes – perfect!  Hmm, do the girls need anything else?  I lost Aubree’s brush, definitely need to get a new one.  Really though, she needs a haircut.  Maybe tomorrow.  Where should we–  Aww look at these little bows.  I really wish Aubree kept these in her hair.  Should I get them?? No, no, waste of money.  *Moves onto toys/electronics* Do I need anything?  Oh a good book!  HA! I never read books.  Hmmm, some good movies out – ehh I will just use Redbox.  NOW 55.  How old am I?  I think I still own the original NOW.  What is even on here?  Spends 5 minutes acting like I am going to buy it.  Cashier asks if I need help. NO I DONT.  Move’s on. *Ignores anything toy/kid related*  I’ve made it to the Halloween section.  What should the girls be?  I wonder if I should buy this cute costume now.  Totally be ahead of the game! Ehh, I don’t know.  DECOR.  MORE DECOR.  (Talk’s self down, you need none of this).  Puts two more decorations in cart.  *Proceeds to candy/food isle*  Definitely need some candy to fill the candy dish – How long will three bags last?  Hmm, I have no self-control – maybe on my next trip. Put’s two bags in the cart and opens the third one.  This chocolate is so good.  I needed this.  Grabs some water, milk, plates, trash bags.  Seriously, why is it so expensive to throw my trash out.  This is absurd.  $14 for a box of trash bags.  ITS TRASH.  IT IS NOT ANOTHER MANS TREASURE. — See’s mother trying to not scream at her kids.  Thank’s God for these moments.  Man I have been here a while I should get goi— home decor!  Throw pillows! These pillows are so cute.  Super fall.  Would go great with the couch. $40 for 1.  WHY GOD WHY.  Moves on to appliances.  Did I get what I came here for?  This tablecloth is super cute.  Do I have a fall tablecloth? I think I do.  Maybe next trip.  I should definitely check first.  (Put’s tablecloth into cart).  What else do I need… a brush for sure.  Always have to get one.  Elastics.  Always need elastics.  No idea where mine are. (Looks down, 3 on my wrist).  Walk’s towards register.  Thank God.  I am barely hanging onto my self-control – who am I kidding, I lost all self-control the second I walked in here.  So impressed I haven’t seen any Christmas decorations.  YOU GO TARGET.  Spots dress in woman’s section I missed earlier.  Stand’s there for 10 minutes thinking about future events coming up.  Can’t think of anything.  Very depressed.  Put’s it on hold in hopes something come’s up in the next week and I have a reason to buy it.  Heads back to the register again.  God how long have a been here.  Line is really long.  Pick’s up magazine.  OMG something about Scandal.  Flips to article.  Another register opens.  Pretends like I don’t see lady waving me over.  I need to finish this article.  People passing me as I have lost all sense of time.  Oh shit.  I am still in line.  Starts placing things on belt.  Do I need that?  I really don’t think I need that?  Who put that in there? I can’t blame it on the kids.  Really, Stephanie?  Fuck it, clearly I put it in there because I needed it.  Did I get what I came here for?  Cashier:  Getting ready for Halloween huh?  Me: NO THESE ARE MY CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.  (Just awkwardly laugh so she stops asking questions).  Here comes the total….. drumroll please…. wow, I only came here for two things right?  But that’s still WAY better than I thought it was going to be.  Checks receipt.  Oh, I totally saved $6 this trip.  Totally worth it.  Proceeds to pack up car.  Guesses it’s time to head home.  Gets home.  Husband looks at me like I have been gone for a year.  Success.

So maybe bringing my kids to Target isn’t so bad?  At least they are making me crazy enough to get through a lot faster and usually only purchase what I need.  Needless to say though, it was an amazing experience.  It probably won’t happen again for a while so I am savoring this moment staring at my purchases.  Can’t wait for fall weather and Halloween.  Target totally had my back!  Thanks again Target.  You never let me down!

P.S.  My bank account hates you. Till next time Target, you win again.

Target: I’ve lost count.                                  Me: 0

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